The Lone Wolf
by Lorelei6
Summary: Post OotP Remus is alone now that his mate, Sirius, is gone. He feels lost and alone. What's a wolf to do when he has no one left to love? One Shot


I blinked slowly, trying to clear my thoughts. I looked at my one hand and the kettle I clutched onto desperately. My other hand was empty and hanging loosely at my side. Jagged fragments of a mug lay on the floor next to my bare feet. I started at them; unsure of when I picked the mug it up, let alone when I dropped it. I put the kettle down on the counter and looked around.

The room was dark and the curtains were open to reveal a starless sky. Night time. Not the full moon. A single candle was burning in the middle of a table, illuminating the parchment around it. One of the burners on the stove was on and I turned it off with a flick of my wrist. Stove – that meant I was in the kitchen. But who's kitchen?

I walked hesitantly to the small table, barely noticing that I was stepping on the shards of the mug. I picked up one of the piece of parchment, my eyes scanning over the paper.

_Dear Remus,_

_Hey, buddy! How's everything going at home? Did you get your Hogwarts letter yet? Me and Jamesie-poo just got ours. Neither of us were made Prefects (big surprise, huh?). We were thinking that maybe Dumbledore bestowed the honor upon you. You always were the good kid._

_Are you gonna spend the last few weeks of vacation here? There's no full moon (it already passed, but you know that) so the rents should be cool about it. We miss you, Remmy. Write back soon._

_Sirius_

Hogwarts? But that must have been from years ago. Why would I have something like that still? I put down the letter and picked up another. At first glance I saw that it was from the same person, this Sirius.

_Dear Remus,_

_IT'S A BOY! Lily and James just had their baby. Well, Lily just had their baby, but you know what I mean. They named him Harry James Potter and I think he already has Prongs's hair, the poor little tyke. I thought they should have stuck "Sirius" in there somewhere in the name. I mean, come on, I am the godfather after all._

_Wait, does that mean I have to take care of him? He'll be dead in a week._

_When are you going to stop by? I know you're still kinda uncomfortable around Lily since she found out about you, but you could at least come by to see wee little Harry! Or just me. I miss you, Remmy. Visit soon._

_- Sirius_

Who were these people? Lily? James? Harry? Sirius? As far as I could tell, every letter was from this man with the looping handwriting. I picked up another at random, hoping to find something to trigger the memories I had buried deep.

_Dear Remus,_

_My dearest, most beautiful Remus… Where are you? Why haven't you been answering my letters? I miss you so much. Every moment I think of you. I can't keep you out of my mind, no matter how cheesy that sounds. Every time my heart beats without you feels like a lifetime. I can almost feel myself growing older and more desolate without you next to me. Why did you have to leave so suddenly last week? What was so urgent to tear you from my side?_

_Merlin, Remmy, don't you understand that I love you? I love everything about you. Nothing could make me change my mind. Remember? I'm your mate. I've seen you at your best, and at your worst. I love you for showing me every side of you. Where would I be without you? Remmy, my love, my life, my own… I would die without you by my side. Tell me you'll always be by my side. Come home soon. The house is empty and lifeless without you. I love you._

_-Sirius_

I slowly set down the parchment, fighting back tears. Sirius. Oh, Merlin, Sirius. I buried my head in my hands, cursing myself. How could I forget Sirius, even for just those few minutes? Merlin, Sirius was my life. My mate. When he had gone to Azkaban I had thought I would die. I lived again when I saw him that night in the Shrieking Shack. I was able to breath without it hurting. But now… now…

Now he was truly gone. There was no hope of his return to get me through tomorrow. Wasn't it a miracle in itself that I had make it this far? And, Merlin, it was all my fault that he was gone. I couldn't hold onto him, I couldn't protect him. I failed the only person I had ever loved. I sank slowly into the chair next to me and let the tears come.

His final scene replayed in my mind, echoing like a nightmare that haunts you while you walk.

Sirius falling backwards through the veil, not being able to do anything about it. The look on his pale, shrunken face as he disappeared behind the cursed curtain.

I knew I would never be free of him.

The hot tears fell down my face and onto the letters on the table, blotting the ink and magnifying it. I was drowning in memories, my mind exploding with pain and loss. My heart felt as if it was broken into thousands of tiny pieces and keeping me alive out of spite. I hated myself, I couldn't stand to be in my own presence. This house – Sirius's house – was mocking me, challenging me.

I stood and a sharp pain shot through my foot. Lifting it up, I saw the pieces of the mug stuck in them, blood seeping slowly out of the wounds. Cursing softly, I pulled the shards out and put them on the table. I limped over to the sink to get a wet rag and my wand, which had somehow wound up protruding from a potted plant on the windowsill.

I sat back down and cleaned the blood off the bottom on my foot. With a wave of my wand, bandages sprung out of the tip and wound tightly around the injuries. I set my wand down on the table and was about to try to get some sleep, but something stopped me. I stared at the wand, thinking.

What if I were to die? Right now? What if I were to kill myself? The idea always held a kind of seductive appeal to me, except when I had Sirius with me. Now that he was gone, I had nothing to live for anymore. There was nothing to keep me going.

The Marauders had been my life. Sirius was gone, James years before him. Peter was a filthy traitor. I was the remaining Marauder, the lone wolf. There was just no reason to _be_.

'What about Harry?' some part of me argued.

But Harry could take care of himself, he had proven that many times before. There were plenty of people risking their lives to make sure he was safe, and there was little I could publicly do, being a werewolf. I was little help.

Death was calling to me, whispering my name from the dark. Maybe there I'd be able to see Sirius. If not… at least I wasn't walking on this planet like a victim of the Kiss.

But… how could I do it? I didn't want to leave the Order with a mess to clean up and I knew that slitting one's wrists was unreliable. I stared at my wand for a few more moments before it hit me. Magic. The Killing Curse.

"Avada Kedavra," I whispered softly, the incantation sending chills up my spine. Yes, suicide. The easy way out. "Avada Kedavra," I said again, feeling the power in the words, testing it. I smiled for the first time in months as I picked up my wand. I closed my eyes and rested the tip of it on my temple.

One…

Two…

Three…


End file.
